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One thing I’ve noticed over the years is that the wisdom shared in “Parent conversations” is rarely exclusive to parents. This month’s column is no exception. It could just as easily be titled “How should I handle a disagreement with my coworker?” Or “spouse” or “neighbor” or . . . well, you get the picture.
Nicole Balza
As a teacher and parent, I cannot begin to count the number of disagreements that I have witnessed and mediated over the years between children. You would think that it might get easier to navigate them as the years go by, but the truth of the matter is that every disagreement includes different people and unique perspectives that often make coming to a consensus difficult.
However, with children, I have noticed that three things are important for a successful resolution to take place:
- An existing relationship prior to the disagreement.
- A willingness to listen and acknowledge different perspectives.
- A calm, thinking state of mind.
Helping students achieve these three things is some of my favorite work to do with them because when they disagree but still value their relationships, listen to each other, and remain calm, the problem-solving and discussion that follow are so valuable and insightful.
In Ephesians 4:31–5:2, Paul tells Christians to walk in the way of love: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”
The strategies that we use to help children work through disagreements apply to adults as well.
These words speak to the hearts of both children and adults and apply to all things that we do in life, including resolving disagreements. The strategies that we use to help children work through disagreements apply to adults as well. Therefore, parents should build a relationship with each of their children’s teachers and start getting to know them at the beginning of the year. Spending time talking together and asking questions will help you to know each other and avoid making assumptions. Then when a disagreement arises, parents and teachers can communicate with kindness and compassion, knowing that they have already established a positive relationship.
Just like children cannot resolve disagreements when they are angry or upset, neither can adults. Parents need to work through these feelings and be in a calm, thinking state of mind before engaging in a problem-solving discussion. In our digital world, it is very easy to send a quick message when upset. Adults need to build habits that allow them to find calm before sending messages. If a disagreement is important enough to cause strong feelings, then it is important enough to discuss in person.
Listening to others’ thoughts and perspectives can’t happen in a one-way message. Parents and teachers need to communicate with each other face-to-face so that listening, understanding, and resolution can occur. After all, the goal is to grow the body of Christ and to resolve disagreements so that teaching, learning, and walking in Jesus’ love can continue.
Rachel Blum
The beginning of another school year is often filled with excitement and optimism. Children, parents, and teachers look forward to getting to know one another. Those first weeks can often feel like a honeymoon. Everything is new, and all seems well.
And then it happens. Your child comes home with a concern, a story about an episode at school, homework that has disappointing comments or grades, or a new expectation in the classroom. Your concern is immediate, and you wonder how to approach the situation.
It’s a rare person who is comfortable with confrontation. We can be tempted to ignore a concern to avoid conflict. However, if we avoid the conversation, we have no opportunity to resolve our concerns. “Brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you” (2 Corinthians 13:11).
As you reach out to the teacher:
- Begin with prayer. Pray that the Lord would bless you both as you seek to work together
- Consider your concern carefully. Is this something that might have been misunderstood? Even with the best intentions, your child is sharing information from his or her perspective only. The best way to find clarification is to speak with the teacher.
- Ask the teacher for a good time to meet when you won’t be interrupted. Addressing concerns at drop-off and pick-up is a busy time for the teacher.
- Remember, you are an expert on your child. Your child’s teacher is an expert on children and education. Your partnership is best for your child and all
children in the class. - Consider the teacher’s perspective. Your priority is your child. The teacher’s responsibility is your child and all the other children in the classroom.
- Approach the conversation by seeking to learn. Ask questions that help you understand before you make conclusions. Often a little clarification can completely turn the conversation to a better understanding.
- Ask “How can I help?” and “How can you and I work together on this?” Questions like these can minimize defensiveness and build the partnership.
- Never criticize your child’s teacher in front of your child. Your child’s respect for teachers can easily be impacted by you. Picture your child standing between you and his or her teacher. Your relationship with each other has a significant impact on your child. Imagine how it feels for your child to know how much you both respect each other.
- Protect the teacher’s reputation by keeping this conversation between the two of you. We can be tempted to speak to others to get more information. Don’t talk about the teacher. Talk to the teacher.
- Express your gratitude to the teacher for all he or she does and for the opportunity to work together.
You care deeply about your child. The teacher cares about your child as well. In most cases, a thoughtful, respectful conversation will lead to understanding and resolution.
Blessings on this new school year for you, your child, and your teacher as you grow and learn together!
Cindi Holman
Author: Multiple Authors
Volume 110, Number 09
Issue: September 2023
- Parent conversations: How can parents and kids manage stress?
- Parent conversations: What do your prayers for your children include?
- Parent conversations: How do we resist making our parenting law-based?
- Parent conversations: What Bible passages do you turn to most as a parent?
- Parent conversations: How can we help kids develop positive, healthy habits?
- Parent conversations: What tactics do you use to encourage children to tackle difficult tasks?
- Parent conversations: How can we model good listening skills for our kids?
- Parent conversations: How do we help our kids move on from mistakes?
- Parent conversations: How can we instill gratitude in our children?
- Parent conversations: How can parents find the balance between being too restrictive and too permissive?
- Parent conversations: How can we teach kids to be good friends?
- Parent conversations: What life skills will help young people as they transition to adulthood?
- Parent conversations: How do we discuss death with our children?
- Parent conversations: What does it look like for a father to be a strong Christian leader?
- Parent conversations: How can we help young adults stay engaged in the church?
- Parent conversations: What do parents need to know about video games?
- Parent conversations: How do parents not let worry get the best of them?
- Parent conversations: How do we teach our kids to value all people?
- Parent conversations: When parenting philosophies differ
- Parent conversations: How can we help today’s overwhelmed teens?
- Parent conversations: How can parents maintain a healthy marriage?
- Parent conversations: You might be a Lutheran parent if . . .
- Parent conversations: Parenting post–high school: What is a parent’s role?
- Parent conversations: How can families use the hymnal in their worship life at home?
- Parent conversations: What should Christian parents teach their children about gender?
- Parent conversations: What is vocation? How does it apply to parenting?
- Parent conversations: Why do siblings fight? How should I react when they are fighting?
- Parent conversations: How do we teach children resilience?
- Parent conversations: How do I approach vaccines as a Christian parent?
- Parent conversations: How can I explain the Sixth Commandment to a young child?
- Parent conversations: How can I help my child have an optimistic outlook?
- Parent conversations: What if we can’t follow our Christmas traditions this year?
- Parent conversations: What are ways to foster a rich prayer life in children?
- Parent conversations: How can I let the gospel shine as I parent?
- Parent conversations: How should I handle a child’s separation anxiety?
- Parent conversations: How should families prepare to go back to school?
- Parent conversations: How does a teen’s brain work?
- Parent conversations: How much should I monitor my child online?
- Parent conversations: How can parents reassure children during an uncertain time?
- Parent conversations: How can I stay calm when my child is out of control?
- Parent conversations: Should I give something up for Lent?
- Parent conversations: How can I keep my child engaged in attending church?
- Parent conversations: How can we help a stressed-out kid?
- Parent conversations: How can we nurture a proper view of “stuff”?
- Parent conversations: How involved should parents be in a child’s homework?
- Heart to heart: Parent conversations: Are we modeling kindness for our children?
- Heart to heart: Parent conversations: What’s the best parenting advice you’ve received or given?
- Heart to heart: Parent conversations: How should we handle it when people undermine our parenting decisions?
- Parent conversations: How can we prepare children for summer camp?
- Heart to heart: Parent conversations: What’s a parent’s role as a child dates?
- Heart to heart: Parent conversations: How do parents find contentment?
- Heart to heart: Parent conversations: How can we help a family with a sick parent?
- Heart to heart: Parent conversations: How can parents model healthy cell phone use?
- Parent conversations: How can we protect kids without scaring them?
- Parent conversations: What does your family’s bedtime routine look like?
- Parent conversations: What do I need to consider before I give my child a cell phone?
- Parent conversations: How can we teach gentleness and strength at the same time?
- Parent conversations: What should we do when our children grow silent?
- Parent conversations: What should we teach our children about the Reformation?
- Parent conversations: Do we want our children to be leaders or followers?
- Parent conversations: How does a parent’s role change over time?
- Parent conversations: How should I handle a disagreement with my child’s teacher?
- Parent conversations: What are the building blocks of a strong parent/child relationship?
- Parent conversations: What is our goal as parents?
- Parent conversations: What Christmas traditions do you cherish in your family?
- Parent conversations: How can we raise a generation that cherishes life?
- Parent conversations: What are the best Bible story books for family devotions?
- Parent conversations: Why should children obey their parents?
