God carried me through my battle with mental illness.

I’m not sure if many people would say the year after they spent a week in a mental health hospital was the best year of their life. But I would.

Early struggles

My troubles had started years earlier. My husband, Ryan, and I had always talked about wanting four children. We had our daughter, Nadia, and shortly before her first birthday we found out I was pregnant with our second child. But only a few days later, I had an early miscarriage. To say I was devastated would be a complete understatement. Ryan was at a conference several hours away, and I called him crying so hard he could not understand what I was saying.

In the years that followed, I was unable to get pregnant again. We would go to family gatherings every month and get asked when we were going to have another baby. I would feel so anxious and angry. I would feel sick to my stomach for days before every gathering. But I bottled up everything inside and never told anyone. I had been hurt and betrayed in the past and struggled to trust others.

Ryan, a teacher, received a call to be the church music director at Bethany, Manitowoc, Wis., so we moved to Wisconsin. I thought things would be better. I had a husband who stuck with me through the ups and downs. We had a funny, creative daughter who is always full of laughter. We had a nice house in a nice neighborhood, and I had a position teaching voice lessons at the area Lutheran high school. But every day I was plagued by the same thoughts running over and over through my head—how I had been hurt, how it still hurt. This had been going on for years.

At one point shortly before I got very sick, I looked this up online: What does it mean if I’m never happy? Results for depression came up, and I thought, That’s ridiculous! I am not depressed. I had so much to be grateful for, and I just needed to keep toughing it out.

Ongoing anxiety

One night, I woke up with a pounding heart, hot flashes, and chills. I thought I was having a heart attack. I went to the doctor the next morning, and she said she thought I was having an anxiety attack. I thought, But my life is so good! I’m not anxious! I didn’t believe what the doctor said. But only a couple weeks later, I did not sleep for nearly four days.

I saw a different doctor, who prescribed medications for sleep and anxiety, but at the end of two weeks I was sleeping only every other night. I felt even more anxious, and I was having terrible side effects.

This went on for over three months. Near the end of my severe illness, I was terrified of going to the grocery store. There were days when I just started crying hysterically every five minutes and couldn’t stop.

During the months I was sick—all the many, many sleepless nights—I thought over and over that this must be what it feels like to feel separated from God. I always felt like I was in fight or flight mode. I was stuck in a perpetual anxiety attack. I sometimes look back on that time and think, I don’t know how I survived that. And then I quickly remember, “It was God.” He carried me through even when I wondered if he was there.

Getting help

Toward the end of May, I felt like I was at the end of my rope. I reached out to a pastor I trusted and told him I felt it was impossible for me to get better. He said, “Don’t cut God off at the arms,” and suggested I contact Christian Family Solutions.

“It was God.” He carried me through even when I wondered if he was there.

When I first talked to a therapist, she asked me about obsessive-compulsive disorder. This was the first time anyone had talked with me about it, and it was like a light bulb went on. This is why I thought the same thoughts all day every day for years. The therapist suggested I try group therapy. But at my first session, when the therapist saw me in person—crying every five minutes and terrified of everything—she recommended I seek inpatient treatment.

It was so hard. I was hospitalized over our anniversary, and the hospital I was in didn’t allow visitors. Ryan brought me clothes, and he wrote a short note that included the Bible passage, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” I held that note in my pocket every day.

Overall, the hospital was a very positive experience. During the day, I attended different group sessions to learn coping skills for anxiety and depression. I talked with fellow patients, and we really got to know and support one another. I also was able to share my faith. I didn’t try to force it on others, but I didn’t hide the fact that I was a Christian. One friend I made said, “Maybe God put you here in the hospital so I would start taking my daughter to church and teaching her about Jesus.” I pray that sharing Jesus helped others.

After I was discharged, I had six weeks of group therapy at Christian Family Solutions. Those were very special weeks. We spent the first half of class talking about how our previous night or weekend went, how we used the skills we were learning in class, and how we struggled and succeeded. We got to be there for one another, to listen and give encouragement. During the second half, we would learn a new skill, either to help with challenging social problems in our lives or to cope when we were battling intense anxiety and depression. It was special to learn coping skills in the light of God’s love. I am so thankful for that time I got to spend with fellow Christians, both counselors and patients.

A new perspective

I graduated from the group, and life continued. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was actually enjoying things again. My thoughts weren’t stuck on my hurts anymore. God had healed my brain.

I went back to teaching in the fall, and instead of dreading every day, I love it. I am beyond grateful to be able to teach my students voice and piano, to help them as they navigate life, and to reflect on them the love Jesus has shown me. I feel like the tough things I went through now help me give them advice and perspective.

I wouldn’t wish what I went through on anyone, but God brought good from it. I learned it is strength—not weakness—to ask for help. I learned that no problem is too big for God. I learned that just like we can get heart disease, diabetes, a cold, or a broken bone, our brains can get sick too. But Jesus is the Great Physician; he can work miracles through doctors, therapists, and medications.

I’m so grateful to be alive each day. I want to show God how grateful I am by serving him, my husband, my daughter, my students, my school, my church, my family, and my friends. I want to glorify him in everything I do.

God gave me a second chance at life. May the name of the Lord be praised!

Learn more about resources and counseling available through Christian Family Solutions at christianfamilysolutions.org.

Author: Jessica Friske
Volume 111, Number 11
Issue: November 2024