Is it a problem when our kids are silent?

One of the greatest skills of parenting is communicating with our children. Truly hearing them, reflecting their words, giving them an understanding that their thoughts and feelings are heard and acknowledged. Don’t we all want people like this in our lives? What a wonderful demonstration of love to be fully present with another person in close communication. As children grow and develop and experience a multitude of new things, there is a lot to process and understand. What if we get the sense that our child doesn’t want to talk about it? Here are a few things to keep in mind:

Parents of young children: Now is the time to set the stage for a lifetime of proper communication. Get them used to talking about the day. Consider making it a bedtime ritual. Share one great part of your day and one not so great part—both child and parent. Then spend time in prayer thanking God for the highs and asking for his help regarding the lows. This early communication sets the stage for the teen years.

Another thing to keep in mind is our children’s temperaments. By nature, don’t some kids seem to think out loud and others internalize? Some kids want/need to be verbal. Others, not so much. We parents have these same natural preferences.

Here’s a recent example in my family. I picked up Kayla from an after-school practice and said, “Hi.” I got a, “Hi,” back, and then I sat comfortably driving with my thoughts. After a few seconds of silence, Kayla said, “Ask me something about high school.”

Boy do I have it made in the communication parenting skill area with her! Not only did my extroverted daughter tell me about her day, but she even interjected questions to herself for me! “Let’s see, what else happened today?”

Now my seventh-grade son, Josh, is a bit different. I picked him up from school and made the mistake of asking him a closed question: “How was your day, buddy?” He replied with, “Good.” Insert silence.

I have come to understand that Josh prefers to process his thoughts internally and needs to be drawn out with more questions such as, “What was your favorite thing today?” “How come?” “What did everyone play at recess?” Reflecting some of his thoughts and feelings keeps the communication going. But, there are times when an introvert simply needs to spend time in thought in order to process effectively. Silence is important.

Is it a problem when our kids are silent? Maybe for some. If Kayla grew silent, I’d be quite concerned. I would check on her for sure. Josh’s silence can be harder to decipher. Is it his natural tendency or could he be troubled? Whichever the case, my wife, Kelly, and I make it our goal to watch for those opportunities to check in and give both kids the understanding that we are here and willing to talk if or when they need. It is our way of demonstrating our love for God in their lives.

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